I learnt something new today - a new Name for an Old Trait

I cannot believe that it has been four months since the last time I wrote, even though it was an intention to write here as often as I can now. Oh yes, of course we are still in a Pandemic -- and now it is winter, with second, and in some places, third, waves.

It seemed almost spooky, how my last post was on hypocrisy of human behaviour during a pandemic (mostly driven by Fear of the Unknown Reflex) -- in the height of summer, in August, I did watch somewhat disbelievingly, on how nonchalant the locals behave, when there are direct evidence of community transmission of SARS-CoV-2 occuring here. Not just locals, but of many North Americans in general.

What went wrong? In part, due to the Superspreader of Misinformation, who has just recently been voted out of the White House. When the people are repeatedly exposed to the degree of misinformation, as how we see since 2016, and especially in the early stages of the pandemic in March and April, was it really a wonder how widespread the virus is within the American community... and now within Canada as well.

I have never seen the innocent (yet life saving) behavioural changes showing common decency of "watching out for other people" (like Mask Wearing, Physical Distancing, diligent handwashing -- Hmmm.... sounds like a Raccoon, now, doesn't it?) became so politicised. Nor have I seen the degree of Self-Centred foolhardiness displayed amongst the "younger generation" in North America. These were supposed to be the "Woke" generation -- yet I see them Sleepwalk themselves into directly contributing into a Global Disaster; and I Quote, verbatim, a throwaway statement from such Youth "Most of the Deaths are only in Carehomes. We won't die". These are University Educated Creme de la Creme of Quebec who utterred those words. It shocked me to the core. The utter lack of Social Responsibility.

Perhaps another contributor is the lack of personal experience on their part, of what it is like to live through a major disaster/war/pandemic within the living memory of their community members. I mean.... the World Wars did not reach here - with exception of Pearl Harbour, and the demographic who served in the Wars. They have never seen a "battle" so to speak on their homeground - and what it took to pull out of a Disaster scenario. A Society is fragile if the grassroots are not capable of empathisizing with the weakest and frailest within their community. The first true proof of Civilisation in early humans is evidence of a healed thigh-bone - as no human can survive a broken femur unless they are taken care of, protected and supported, by people around them.

So we witnessed the catastrophe of Youth Spread Pandemic, especially when the initial advisory was phrased in a manner that (overly) minimises the potential danger; "Most people will have it mildly. Except the Elderly and those with Underlying conditions". Perhaps if the initial message was phrased differently, with intentions to "remind how many "innocent bystanders" can die from exposure to a "carrier", so let's look out for each other", the results would have been different.

Perhaps SARS-CoV-2 is like the Descolada virus - it forces Humanity to finally grow up and face up to our own foibles... and before that happens, it will continue to smoulder and ember, especially in pockets of communities who are vehemently against vaccination.

What made me think to write today, was the fact of how much I am grieving for Humanity. And for the family members, and friends who have lost their lives since the pandemic started. And in part of my Grieving process, I honour their memory by doing the work I do. And try to Live one of their most admirable trait within my own life right now.

In Aikido, the practitioner do not resist an incoming blow, rather they redirect it in a way that would avert injury to themselves. And accepting the fact that you will get blows, and you will fall - and learn to get up after each one.

I came across the concept "Antifragile" that describes how repeated exposure to challenges and setbacks can actually make something or someone better, by embracing the change and not resisting it. I personally call it "Embracing the Eye of the Storm" - finding the Centre of Calm within the swirling Chaos. And so, I continue my Dance with the Universe. Even with so many setbacks and blows - each challenge is an opportunity to change and grow. Evolve. To Evolve is to Embrace the Storm.

Day 1 at the Gwaihir Tor

An Eagle flew above overhead today. Maybe it is a good sign

I am at a new place, new life, hoping to help my several people with my expertise.
Each iteration is a new page on my uncharted journey, where nothing I planned worked the way it did, and so I try to wing it, the way the Eagle did today.

I have a feeling I will be having a few corvid friends soon. Critters tend to hang out with this Fox, and right now I prefer the company of non-humans. 

Humans behave very strangely during pandemics. Those whom I thought were "humane" were proven to not be so. And those who are unexpected, are those who step up.

Life is strange. Humans never behave the way they "say" their core values are. Hypocrisy is Human Trait that is endemic in a pandemic.

Tales of Tails

A year and 3 months since the last post!

And the world has flipped it's magnetic axis.....


JUST KIDDING!

well, pretty close though. If Climate Crisis is not bad enough a Situation to remedy, The Universe has decided to release a Pandemic Virus onto the "virus" that's been wrecking the world's immune system.

So, as with the rest of humanity (who care enough to not become a Vector, infective one, not mathematical) we locked down.

And while my official work is Very Topical to the crisis at hand, my mind needs a very not topical things to make.

First concept was this heron on the rock:












Simple enough on paper, and thus after "wanting" to do this for so long, I did.

Heron Iteration 1 -- weathered Aspen twig on Aspen bark

And then I switched tactics, to something a bit more formulaic

Say Hi to Groot and Greta -- White Pine twigs (groot needed a right hand)

And then a Fox came along ... from White Pine

Getting more confident now....

Heron Iteration 2 - White Pine
The eye mark is a natural knot in the wood!!! :D
Universe Approves of this Heron

Heron Iteration 3 -- I broke it's neck :( had to be glued back on
But a finer carving

Herons 4 and 5, they come in Pairs, as Herons should be.

Change in Technique.
"Little brown Birb"

Brown Birb and Heron Iteration 6

Of Complex grief, for an Autistic Individual: part III

There are many times when words just could not suffice in how to articulate the level of pain one is holding inside. Some grief are Wordless, yet, the Pen will insist on presenting it out.




For an autistic (or, if you like the Pun, "Artistic Autistic") the outward expression of grief is subtle. I do not like to cry - mostly because it serves almost no biological function apart from making my eyes hurt, my nose run, and I will feel absolutely crap afterwards.

So I draw, I write, I make things, I run, I learn, I polish my mastery on skills that I have picked up.

And I try to live up to the embodiment of the Best Quality/Value I admire the most, of the person/creature whom I have loved dearly, and lost.

Vaska represented Courage and Trust, to pick up where you left off, and Move Forward, despite the physical challenges, and traumatic past, and to Live to your Full Potential.

He was a severely abused kitten when I got him - the shelter (a no-kill one, Woodgreen Animal Shelter, London, UK) had labelled him as "Unadoptable" due to the trauma he had. It was love at first sight for me. This scared kitten, looking at me with his Big Scared Kitten Eyes, and maybe, in him I saw a reflection of myself - traumatised, ill, in pain, feeling rejected and unwanted. I wanted to make sure that this little scared ball of fluff does not have to continue to feel that way. And so I took him home.

I learnt to forgive myself, and be patient with my illnesses and health challenges, and to move forward, within my envelope of capabilities and challenges. It wasn't easy, but with Vaska I wasn't doing it alone. Every night, he curled up on my legs to sleep - he bolstered my courage to face pain, the disabling limitations of having a connective tissue disorder( Ehlers-Danlos III with Marfanoid crossover), several of autoimmune diseases, on top of being on the Autism spectrum and it's associated co-mobidities (depression, anxiety, ADHD, sleep disorder).

The summer before Vaska's cancer exploded, he finally gained his full "adult cat status" - i.e. he managed to chase down SquirrelPop (resident red squirrel who lives in the Garden Shed) and "tapped" SquirrelPop on the head with his paw. Which of course resulted in a Very Angry And Violated Squirrel Chittering Her Protestations From Atop The Spruce Tree.

But he did it. This little brave cat did it. He "Lived" a fullfilled Cat-Life, despite his pain, trauma, challenges. What an absolute Hero.

And so, I will take his lead, and Live.

Of Complex Grief, for an Autistic Individual: part II

DARK

The slippery thread of crystal thought
slip't and fell upon the ground -
what little sanity I sought
instead, of madness, that I found.

The time froze still and thread does break
the ionic imps, my nerves are raw
What once a mirror'd shiny lake
is now a dark and gaping maw

Drips with dark, dank fearsome shades
Taints the lake, and boils it dry
but still I wander there of late
Once full of dreams, but now of sighs.

The memory of shining waters though,
beneath the shadows bleak and dark
one wishes for a glint, a shimmer, through
in life so hopeless and so stark.


(unpublished, 16 January 2016)

Blunted and Broken

My life is like a broken pencil -
it is pointless, blunt, devoid of meaning.
What once was making strokes of ideas -
Is now void, empty, and broken.
What point is there to holding on-
To a piece of broken graphite crayon?

The broken pieces of lead in my hands-
reflects my broken body, soul and mind.
What point is there to holding on-
To a piece of broken graphite crayon?

The smear of lead upon my sketch -
Empty but for the carbon smudge.
waiting for Thanatos to fetch
from this meaningless painful trudge.

Again, I beg, Thanatos, be quick!
death is preferrable to endlessly sick!
What point is there to holding on -
To a piece of broken graphite crayon


(unpublished, 7th Feb 2016)

The Caged

I now know well, why caged birds sing;
Especially ones with broken wings.
It's not for joy, the notes was wringed
it is a tale of suffering.

For, once, in time, the bird flew free
With joy and innocence, tree to tree
With feathers, the colours, sun-lit glee
But now is nought but memories

The shining feathers oh so pale,
So limp and dank, what once was hale.
Desolate wheeze with each inhale
sung caged bird, of deathly tale

I now know too, why caged ones sing-
Each mournful sigh, a note was wringed:
For beautiful music comes, from pain it brings
The reason it's snared, and broke both wings.

(unpublished, 15th May 2017)




Another

another day another lie

another day I did not die

another day I could not cry

another teardrop within a sigh

another time for me to try

another time another try

another day I did defy







(published, 25th April 2019)

Of Complex Grief, for an Autistic individual, and of new chapters: part I

I think it has come for me to open up a little bit on why these pages fell silent, for so very long.

For example, this very blog article was started last year in November, with the above one line, yet was never finished nor published. I digress, let me assure you that the writer is Writing, if slowly and hesitantly.

Dear readers,

roughly 3 years and 7 months and 1 week ago, I buried my father. 
   - and the preceeding weeks and months, helped make medical decisions on his final stage cancer palliative care.

roughly 3 years and 2 days ago, I put Vaska, my lovely Bugball cat, to sleep.
   - and in the preceeding weeks, nursed him through his final stage palliative cancer care

roughly 3 years and 2 months ago, I had my ankle reconstruction surgery, which was considered very high risk for me due to my connective tissue disorder, very nearly did not make it.
   - and in midst of recuperating from this, I discovered Vaska had a fast growing adenocarcinoma.
   - and while I was recovering from the high risk surgery, my father's traumatic death, I provided  
     palliative care to my dying, severely in pain, cat, and then took the decision to give him release.


So for 3 years I have been carrying these intense, Complex Grief within me, and it has silenced the Writer with Pain, that every time I tried to write something to express or form a safety valve for my grief, the tears will well in my eyes and my heart hurts with the most intense of pain.

I decided to write about this as a way to elucidate my own comprehension of the grieving process, from the perspectives of:

(i) an Autistic individual, 
(ii) a Clinical Scientist, 
(iii) a person with several physical disabilities 
(iv) a person who is a Stranger in a Strange Land 

I am living in Sherbrooke, Quebec right now, for work, and I have often wondered on why I made this move here. I knew I had planned for this for 4 years (not Sherbrooke, specifically, but going back into my field - Medical Physics/Bioengineering), and yet, here I am, feeling extremely lost.

Very little thing hold any pleasure for me anymore.

And that, is the sign of Depression, which often comes with complex grief. For a neurotypical adult, the resolution of Grief follows the familiar five stages as outlined by the Kübler-Ross model:

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

However, very little literature is available on how an Autistic live through Grief, and hence I'd like to perhaps contribute a bit more into the body of knowledge on how, we, as Autistic individual face, live and move within this "painful inertia" that we call Complex Autistic Grief, with the hope maybe another ASD looking for answers can glean some tips and comfort, that they are not the only one who have "weird manifestations" of grief due to our uniquely wired brain.


Since we are neurologically distinct from our NT (neurotypical) peers, our trajectory are different, as are our remediation and recovery. It is not uncommon for ASD to grieve so much longer than the NT, nor is it uncommon for the "grief" to hit us so much later.

Prior to my being diagnosed as ASD, I have found strange solace in "dealing"  with the trauma of Death in the Family by locking up emotionally. Which is unhealthy, of course, yet that was the only option I can use because I found that the act of "crying" like the rest of the NT relatives or friends do does not provide me with the emotional relief that it did for them.

In fact, I have said to my doctor and counseling therapist "crying at a funeral, or when receiving news of the Death of a family member only makes my eyes hurt. I don't feel any better"

What I did, the first time a family member (grandfather) passed away when I was around 8 yrs old, I dealt with the "grief" by reading up on all funerary rites from as many cultures/religions as possible. And what were their views on "criteria for Good and Evil" -- i.e. the judgement of a Soul upon Death by (an Entity)

I remembered my 8 yr old self burning Hell Notes (after the Chinese Tradition)
I remembered my 8 yr old self reciting words from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and hanging Prayer Flags
I remembered my 8 yr old self trying to Find Out from my Grandmother if Grandfather is Happy with his life, so that his Heart would weigh less than a feather when he meets Anubis with his Divine Scales.


I did not know at the time I was on the Autism spectrum - but these are the type of things that an ASD person do to "cope" with very intense emotional pain. We try to intellectualise it into a form we can understand, and make peace with Death and Loss in ways that probably look strange to our Neurotypical Friends.

And to my non-neurotypical readers, do what you think is right for you, for what you think can alleviate your own grieving pain. For me, as an adult, now, I read as many scientific publications, work on different methods and testing the hypotheses, and ask as many philosophical questions, to my mentors and betters, to see if I can contribute somehow into lessening the pain in other people's suffering.

Sort of a convoluted way of providing myself with comfort, but it is working. For in my works to reduce pain, whether it is physical or emotional, I meet other people who are as sensitive as I am. And they look after me when I'm not strong enough to carry on alone.

You guys know who you are. I thank you from the bottom of this Grieving, painful heart.



Resources on Autistic Grief:
1) Navigating Grief and Loss as an Autistic Adult by Lynn Soraya
2) Autistic Grief Is Not Like Neurotypical Grief by Karla Fisher
3) Bereavement by National Autistic Society, UK

In the Quiet and Stillness

This awkward Dance, 'twixt you and I-
The quiet glances, the secret smiles;
What lies in store, down Minkowskian line-
Will we part ways, will be I, in arms thine?

The lives that run in parallel ways-
Connects yet not, despite their goals;
Just aether-bound in mutual Love-
For frontiers seen not by other souls

As Rumi did orbit, adoringly, Tabrizi's Shams-
A mutual Love kept pure and whole;
Never to feel thine, warm strong arms-
Pulled away, yet still, by my Duties and Goals.

So Dance I do, this awkward way-
From afar, my thoughts for you today;
These Words, to you, I shall never say-
In the Quiet and the Stillness they shall stay.

After a long absence....

Just Experimenting

So now I'm doing German
After Dutch not long ago
Mixing my Tussens and Zwischens
And getting both talen wrong

From beginning to Ending
is Von Anfang bis Ende
Got swapped by my neuron firings
to Von Anfang bij Eenden


I'm sure it'll eventually fall into place
As I write these rhymes met potlooden
Confusing all times, altijden alltägen
Ik doet pijn in mijn hersenen


Lets take it one step further
Notwithstanding grammar, vocab lists
Meine schreibe three languages ik spreken
Putting their phonetic sounds in place

Roza H ©2017


Tussen: (dutch) between
Zwischen: (german) between
talen: (dutch) languages

Von Anfang bis Ende: (german) From beginning to end
bij Eenden: (dutch) in Ducks

met potlooden: (dutch) with pencils
altijden: (dutch) all times
altägen: (german) daily routine
ik doet pijn in mijn hersenen: (corrupt dutch) I make my head hurt

Meine schreibe: (german) my writing
ik spreken: (dutch) I speak

Back in Yellowknife for some Raven company :)

 

Mein Rabe zingen fur seine Essen :)
(My Raven is singing for his Dinner)

In my 6 months absence, the Ravens have missed me! I am delighted that they still recognise me and greets when I come out for a quick hobble. Milli and Micro flies around when they see me. Waiting to see if I have any leftovers for them.

That is one of the babies from last year's nest. Two of the chicks have survived so far, and the parents are teaching them which humans are "safe" and which are "STAY AWAY AT ALL COST".

I am happy that I belong to the former :)

Die glucklich vogel ist sehr lustig.

Oh yeah, I am very impressed with how much German, Dutch, Spanish and Italian I've picked up via Duolingo and Memrise after only 2 months. Highly recommended with two paws up!

of GitHub and Python.

My GitHub link I haven't migrated most of my files over. Kinda busy with lectures, reading and bookwork. There are several repositories in it already, with some codes that I scripted from the tutorials and lectures.

If you ever want to take up Python programming, I highly recommend this guy's tutorial:
Automate the Boring Stuff
 
At the risk of sounding like a complete Geek:

Now I can exclaim that I speak Parser Tongue!

January was here, and January left

As you can see, no photos. I find winter almost unbearably painful now since last year's accident, so I don't really get out much at all now. It got to the point where everytime it snows I feel like my ankle and foot is being crushed by a gigantic vice. Yeah, OUCH indeed.

And what have I done in the past month?

Actually quite a lot, in between doctor's appointments, physio, sleeping off the pain. It turns out that I will be needing urgent reconstruction surgery after all for my ankle followed by several weeks if not months of physio.

So in the expectation of being laid up for weeks (months?) while recovering I have signed up for several courses, and taken up to learning some more languages (both human and machine). Happily I managed to script quite decently in C++ and Python now. So yay. Adding R programming to the list now.

Coursera does very nice online courses on (almost) everything you can think of. There is something nice about being able to attend virtual lectures while being gimpy-legged. And when your mind is foggy from the painkillers, you can always replay the difficult bits in the lecture. Not something you can do with real live lecturers in a lecture hall.

For the moment I am sticking to Electronics, interfacing Arduinos and Pis, programming and Data Science. It's always good to polish up on the old skillls before you lose them completely.

For human languages, I highly recommend Duolingo App. It is free, and very intuitive to use. I find it's a good app to have when you have need to practice foreign languages, but lacking a human partner. It's nice to be able to read a German or Dutch article and actually understand (most) of it! My word recognition is not automatic yet, but (at least for me) German, Dutch and English are pretty closely related that picking up the vocabulary and syntax is quite easy. Just for the sheer fun of things I am also slowly going through other languages (err...10?) ... but the main 4 are Dutch, German, Italian and Spanish.

Technically, a screenshot is not a photo!

Oh yeah. And finished reading 5 books. I have to admit, it's mostly fiction, as pain makes it hard to focus terribly well. Going through some electronics, Python and C++ texts, too, but the progress is much slower. I do have a Github account that I will link to here when I haev finished putting all my codes in there.

No hiking for the next forseeable future until things are fixed. In the mean time, I will be busily filling my head. Before I die of boredom. When you cannot go anywhere physically, go everywhere mentally (before you go completely MENTAL!)

Oh the wonderful Thinks that you can Think!

Frohes neues Jahr!

Better late than never !

I hope things will go better this year than it has in the last few.

Among other *skills unlocked* in the previous year -

1) learning to walk again, sans crutches. Still need a lot of work, and surgery. Still cannot run/jump/long distance hike.
2) Caught my first non-pike fish (trout). Caught my first tropical salt water fish.

3) Managed to just squeeze through 53 books. One book a week is not a lot if you don't watch TV.

4) Got over my programming phobia! Hurray for Python. Built a Raspberry Pi. Haven't programmed for years. About time I started again.

5) Restarted electronics and going in depth, hence no (4) . Thinking of even doing a degree in it, as it seemed that my physics degree did not attract that many prospective employers in Canada. 

Resolution for this year? Build up on last year's. Very simple. I have to cut down a lot on physical activities due to recent illness/injuries, looks like it's back to being a geek in a lab.

Convergent Lady Beetles (Hippodamia convergens)

I'm always glad to see these little fellas in the backyard. They seemed to like to migrate from Sunflower crown to Sunflower crown, as they feast on the colonies of aphids that tend to appear with the warm, wet weather. The ants in the backyard "farm" the aphids, as far as I can tell, and there is an uneasy truce between the ladybugs, ants and aphids about who gets to settle where.

But it works.

Backyard, blooms and bumblebees

Just taking a break from the night photos. Going back to basics to capture some Bumblebees in action!

Blanchet Island, East Arm of Great Slave Lake, Northwest Territories. 15-16 August 2015 PART I

Went out for a camping/fishing/stargazing trip to Blanchet Island, located at the East Arm of the Great Slave Lake. Never been that far east on the lake before - the geology and vegetation are distinctly different from Yellowknife.There are also fossils of stromatolites there!

Took the Twin Otter there ....

We're actually leaving, in these photos ... couldn't get a footage of us arriving when we are still in the plane, now, can we?

THAT is a piece of stromatolite!

And THIS is me holding dinner...

Which he caught.

I didn't do too much exploring/hiking as my back was a bit messed up that day. So it was mostly fishing, and looking at rocks, and napping, and snacking.... while waiting for the night show to start .. about nearly 11ish pm, all the way to 3ish am, when the sky starts to get too light to see the colours well.

The photos are a bit blurry, as I didn't have my tripod or remote shutter release with me that night (absent minded, much?), and towards the end the lenses were so fogged up with condensation. But the effect it had on the photos just made it more surreal.                                                                   

Considering the limitations, the photos came out spectacularly well. I am chuffed that I managed to capture some of the rarer colours (reds, purples). Haven't come across Oranges yet - it's Mythical Status yet to be debunked.
                                         

Glowsticks and Auroras = fun

Next time it will be multiple glowsticks going in all directions!

Add caption

I only act my age (about 5, mentally) when I'm camping