I think it has come for me to open up a little bit on why these pages fell silent, for so very long.
For example, this very blog article was started last year in November, with the above one line, yet was never finished nor published. I digress, let me assure you that the writer is Writing, if slowly and hesitantly.
Dear readers,
roughly 3 years and 7 months and 1 week ago, I buried my father.
- and the preceeding weeks and months, helped make medical decisions on his final stage cancer palliative care.
roughly 3 years and 2 days ago, I put Vaska, my lovely Bugball cat, to sleep.
- and in the preceeding weeks, nursed him through his final stage palliative cancer care
roughly 3 years and 2 months ago, I had my ankle reconstruction surgery, which was considered very high risk for me due to my connective tissue disorder, very nearly did not make it.
- and in midst of recuperating from this, I discovered Vaska had a fast growing adenocarcinoma.
- and while I was recovering from the high risk surgery, my father's traumatic death, I provided
palliative care to my dying, severely in pain, cat, and then took the decision to give him release.
So for 3 years I have been carrying these intense, Complex Grief within me, and it has silenced the Writer with Pain, that every time I tried to write something to express or form a safety valve for my grief, the tears will well in my eyes and my heart hurts with the most intense of pain.
I decided to write about this as a way to elucidate my own comprehension of the grieving process, from the perspectives of:
(i) an Autistic individual,
(ii) a Clinical Scientist,
(iii) a person with several physical disabilities
(iv) a person who is a Stranger in a Strange Land
I am living in Sherbrooke, Quebec right now, for work, and I have often wondered on why I made this move here. I knew I had planned for this for 4 years (not Sherbrooke, specifically, but going back into my field - Medical Physics/Bioengineering), and yet, here I am, feeling extremely lost.
Very little thing hold any pleasure for me anymore.
And that, is the sign of Depression, which often comes with complex grief. For a neurotypical adult, the resolution of Grief follows the familiar five stages as outlined by the Kübler-Ross model:
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance
However, very little literature is available on how an Autistic live through Grief, and hence I'd like to perhaps contribute a bit more into the body of knowledge on how, we, as Autistic individual face, live and move within this "painful inertia" that we call Complex Autistic Grief, with the hope maybe another ASD looking for answers can glean some tips and comfort, that they are not the only one who have "weird manifestations" of grief due to our uniquely wired brain.
Since we are neurologically distinct from our NT (neurotypical) peers, our trajectory are different, as are our remediation and recovery. It is not uncommon for ASD to grieve so much longer than the NT, nor is it uncommon for the "grief" to hit us so much later.
Prior to my being diagnosed as ASD, I have found strange solace in "dealing" with the trauma of Death in the Family by locking up emotionally. Which is unhealthy, of course, yet that was the only option I can use because I found that the act of "crying" like the rest of the NT relatives or friends do does not provide me with the emotional relief that it did for them.
In fact, I have said to my doctor and counseling therapist "crying at a funeral, or when receiving news of the Death of a family member only makes my eyes hurt. I don't feel any better"
What I did, the first time a family member (grandfather) passed away when I was around 8 yrs old, I dealt with the "grief" by reading up on all funerary rites from as many cultures/religions as possible. And what were their views on "criteria for Good and Evil" -- i.e. the judgement of a Soul upon Death by (an Entity)
I remembered my 8 yr old self burning Hell Notes (after the Chinese Tradition)
I remembered my 8 yr old self reciting words from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and hanging Prayer Flags
I remembered my 8 yr old self trying to Find Out from my Grandmother if Grandfather is Happy with his life, so that his Heart would weigh less than a feather when he meets Anubis with his Divine Scales.
I did not know at the time I was on the Autism spectrum - but these are the type of things that an ASD person do to "cope" with very intense emotional pain. We try to intellectualise it into a form we can understand, and make peace with Death and Loss in ways that probably look strange to our Neurotypical Friends.
And to my non-neurotypical readers, do what you think is right for you, for what you think can alleviate your own grieving pain. For me, as an adult, now, I read as many scientific publications, work on different methods and testing the hypotheses, and ask as many philosophical questions, to my mentors and betters, to see if I can contribute somehow into lessening the pain in other people's suffering.
Sort of a convoluted way of providing myself with comfort, but it is working. For in my works to reduce pain, whether it is physical or emotional, I meet other people who are as sensitive as I am. And they look after me when I'm not strong enough to carry on alone.
You guys know who you are. I thank you from the bottom of this Grieving, painful heart.
Resources on Autistic Grief:
1) Navigating Grief and Loss as an Autistic Adult by Lynn Soraya
2) Autistic Grief Is Not Like Neurotypical Grief by Karla Fisher
3) Bereavement by National Autistic Society, UK
For example, this very blog article was started last year in November, with the above one line, yet was never finished nor published. I digress, let me assure you that the writer is Writing, if slowly and hesitantly.
Dear readers,
roughly 3 years and 7 months and 1 week ago, I buried my father.
- and the preceeding weeks and months, helped make medical decisions on his final stage cancer palliative care.
roughly 3 years and 2 days ago, I put Vaska, my lovely Bugball cat, to sleep.
- and in the preceeding weeks, nursed him through his final stage palliative cancer care
roughly 3 years and 2 months ago, I had my ankle reconstruction surgery, which was considered very high risk for me due to my connective tissue disorder, very nearly did not make it.
- and in midst of recuperating from this, I discovered Vaska had a fast growing adenocarcinoma.
- and while I was recovering from the high risk surgery, my father's traumatic death, I provided
palliative care to my dying, severely in pain, cat, and then took the decision to give him release.
So for 3 years I have been carrying these intense, Complex Grief within me, and it has silenced the Writer with Pain, that every time I tried to write something to express or form a safety valve for my grief, the tears will well in my eyes and my heart hurts with the most intense of pain.
I decided to write about this as a way to elucidate my own comprehension of the grieving process, from the perspectives of:
(i) an Autistic individual,
(ii) a Clinical Scientist,
(iii) a person with several physical disabilities
(iv) a person who is a Stranger in a Strange Land
I am living in Sherbrooke, Quebec right now, for work, and I have often wondered on why I made this move here. I knew I had planned for this for 4 years (not Sherbrooke, specifically, but going back into my field - Medical Physics/Bioengineering), and yet, here I am, feeling extremely lost.
Very little thing hold any pleasure for me anymore.
And that, is the sign of Depression, which often comes with complex grief. For a neurotypical adult, the resolution of Grief follows the familiar five stages as outlined by the Kübler-Ross model:
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance
However, very little literature is available on how an Autistic live through Grief, and hence I'd like to perhaps contribute a bit more into the body of knowledge on how, we, as Autistic individual face, live and move within this "painful inertia" that we call Complex Autistic Grief, with the hope maybe another ASD looking for answers can glean some tips and comfort, that they are not the only one who have "weird manifestations" of grief due to our uniquely wired brain.
Since we are neurologically distinct from our NT (neurotypical) peers, our trajectory are different, as are our remediation and recovery. It is not uncommon for ASD to grieve so much longer than the NT, nor is it uncommon for the "grief" to hit us so much later.
Prior to my being diagnosed as ASD, I have found strange solace in "dealing" with the trauma of Death in the Family by locking up emotionally. Which is unhealthy, of course, yet that was the only option I can use because I found that the act of "crying" like the rest of the NT relatives or friends do does not provide me with the emotional relief that it did for them.
In fact, I have said to my doctor and counseling therapist "crying at a funeral, or when receiving news of the Death of a family member only makes my eyes hurt. I don't feel any better"
What I did, the first time a family member (grandfather) passed away when I was around 8 yrs old, I dealt with the "grief" by reading up on all funerary rites from as many cultures/religions as possible. And what were their views on "criteria for Good and Evil" -- i.e. the judgement of a Soul upon Death by (an Entity)
I remembered my 8 yr old self burning Hell Notes (after the Chinese Tradition)
I remembered my 8 yr old self reciting words from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and hanging Prayer Flags
I remembered my 8 yr old self trying to Find Out from my Grandmother if Grandfather is Happy with his life, so that his Heart would weigh less than a feather when he meets Anubis with his Divine Scales.
I did not know at the time I was on the Autism spectrum - but these are the type of things that an ASD person do to "cope" with very intense emotional pain. We try to intellectualise it into a form we can understand, and make peace with Death and Loss in ways that probably look strange to our Neurotypical Friends.
And to my non-neurotypical readers, do what you think is right for you, for what you think can alleviate your own grieving pain. For me, as an adult, now, I read as many scientific publications, work on different methods and testing the hypotheses, and ask as many philosophical questions, to my mentors and betters, to see if I can contribute somehow into lessening the pain in other people's suffering.
Sort of a convoluted way of providing myself with comfort, but it is working. For in my works to reduce pain, whether it is physical or emotional, I meet other people who are as sensitive as I am. And they look after me when I'm not strong enough to carry on alone.
You guys know who you are. I thank you from the bottom of this Grieving, painful heart.
Resources on Autistic Grief:
1) Navigating Grief and Loss as an Autistic Adult by Lynn Soraya
2) Autistic Grief Is Not Like Neurotypical Grief by Karla Fisher
3) Bereavement by National Autistic Society, UK
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